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“The Bible is an ocean of instruction and wisdom. Dip daily into the vast pool to discover its truths.”

― Elizabeth George

Have you ever lost faith in God? Did you ever come to a place where you just didn’t trust Him anymore?

I’ve been there, too. I felt so betrayed by God when He allowed my son to die at birth. I felt like my faith in Him was misplaced. I wasn’t even sure if I really wanted Him in my life after that. But, two things: 1. I remembered how out of control my life was before Him. 2. I knew that if I would ever be able to hold my son in my arms again, it would only be after the resurrection, at His second coming, and IF I were to found faithful to Him at His coming. I had motivation. But, no real desire for HIM! So…

Ever since my second born son died in 2012 I have been on a journey to deconstruct everything I know about God, religion, spirituality, and to rebuild it; asking God for directions and not even allowing my ministerial position to push me to move faster in the reconstruction than what God was moving or teaching me. I know I have disappointed a lot of people who determined early that I didn’t have the mettle to be a pastor. I asked God many times if they might be right. But, He never released me from ministry. So, I have kept on in my quest to re-discover God.

This month, February, I am reading through Proverbs again. I read it through last month, making notes in the margins. And I am working through it again this month, along with the book of Jeremiah. Though I noticed it and made note of it last month, this month it stands out more striking, as an epiphany: “My son, keep my words…” and do them.

The first lesson God began working me through in our de/re-construction project, was to get first things first. Build a relationship with God. Learn to hear His voice. Discover His Love. His Grace. His Mercy. His Justice. His Judgment. Discover His extravagance. His Energy. His Purpose. His Forgiveness. His Healing.

I’ve been building a relationship with Him. It’s a relationship that has often looked more like me doing whatever I want and expecting Him to simply accept me for me. In retrospect, it probably looks like a pretty insecure child testing the bonds of parental love by challenging parental authority. But, in it, I have found Him to be very patient, extremely gracious, and always present. Amazingly so.

In her book, The Desire of Ages, Ellen White says it like this, “Only by Love is love awakened.” As I have experienced over time His love for me that accepts me right where I am and displays confidence in me which is completely unmerited; which calls me into and uses me in ministry; who shows up in powerful ways in my personal and ministerial life, I have experienced the rebuilding of trust and desire for Him! It is incredible!

Now, let me go back…

I was convicted to obey Him only as I experienced Him calling me to obedience from that place of relationship. Its been a tough and long journey. It has been tempting, unbearably tempting, to go back to the lists of thou shalls and thou shalt nots and do them simply because they are there to do. But, I was convicted that obedience needs to stem from relationship. And, I still didn’t trust God enough to surrender fully to Him. And, all along the way I have been praying asking Him to take me deeper; to bring back that passion that I used to have. And, you know what I am discovering, now? Now that I have discovered all these amazing attributes of God; have experienced them in my own life He is bringing this message out of, not just my reading of Proverbs, but from all of my Bible Readings from the past 1/2 year or more: “My son…Keep my commandments…”

I have come to experience God as my Father and me as His son! Our relationship is growing and from that I am experiencing a call to obedience. And, it isn’t like a special revelation obedience. He is revealing to me how important it is to comb through His Word, the Bible, and search for His imperatives. Why? Because, His imperatives reveal His will and His plan for our lives. He has a good plan for us and desires us to have a good life. Surrendering our will, our desires, for His will and desire for us is exactly how we get the good life we both want for us!

Now, as I set out to live and obey God’s revealed moral will for my life, from that context of experiential relationship, a very personal thing, I am experiencing Joy and Peace and Spiritual Passion, once more!

It has been such a long journey! But, it is so worth it, now.

I don’t know what journey you are on. Perhaps you are struggling in your relationship with God. Perhaps you aren’t experiencing acceptance. Perhaps you wrestling to trust Him. What I am learning, is that He is on a very personal journey with each of us. Your journey may not look anything like mine. I hope and pray I can extend to you the space to grow in Jesus in your own unique way.

And, I hope and pray that your journey, though the way is difficult, that the destination may be one of healing, peace, and joy in Jesus!

written by Pastor Tom Nicholas