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Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Today I want to talk about forgiveness.

Mostly, I want to write about forgiveness, because I find myself struggling to do so. I am wrestling with my humanity and I have some choices. Either I can spend time in prayer and Bible study, saturating my life in Christ. Or, what my flesh wants to do, run to the cupboard to binge eat things that aren’t helpful and to binge watch netflix: to numb my hurt and comfort my pain.

Today, I don’t want to pray about it. Today I don’t want to study my Bible. Today I want to wallow in my pain and frustration and hurt myself with food and flix.

But, I hear a still small voice inviting me to experience this moment differently.

We all know the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

I am tired of the insanity of my life. I am tired of binge eating and flixing my way to mental and physical destruction. God knows I long for a different experience, but have been enslaved by old habits. God has sent His Son Jesus to set us free from our besetting sins. Yet, how often am I willing surrender my will, my pain, my frustrations, and my old habits that didn’t bring the results I so desire?!

So, today, I pray in my pain. Today I study in my frustration. And, to be completely honest, I have already been praying and studying and God has already been helping me. But, I want to write from the perspective of the Pre-prayer mode.